PTArtD

All that injustice in one body tends to warp the mind.

To the police officer who scooped me up and took me out of the house to the car as a child, I remember you. I remember you saying "poor kid" as you held me close to your chest as I passed out. Thank you. I was terrified and you saved me that night. I'll never forget you.

One good reoccurring flashback I have is when I was about 6 i was staying with my sister at my nans house after she moved out. I had missed her so much. She stayed in a room full of China dolls which I was afraid of but it was still safer than home. My sister put on war of the worlds and put on her ufo lamp and we drifted off to sleep. I felt safer than I can ever remember feeling at home... even with the china dolls staring at me. I cherish this memory fondly. That's one good flashback 🥰

Lockdown. Did you ever lose your best friend/cousin to cancer, then lose your father to a heart attack 6 months later during covid? Did you watch the life fall out of your fathers eyes as they died sitting upright unable to breathe? then 2 years later, your mother and your grandad died? Did you get to go to their funerals? Did covid stop you from seeing your fathers dead body for 2 weeks due to covid rules... so the slippage from his body decomposing had disfigured his face so much so that he didn't look like himself? Did lockdown mean only a few selected people were allowed to say goodbye in the church to your cousin? Breaking the family apart? Lockdown cost so much more than anyone could know. This is just a taste of the suffering it caused. God help us heal 🙏

You looked into my eyes and I knew it was time. You didn't say a word but I heard everything you wanted to say. I stroked your hair on your forehead and cried as we exchanged unspoken words through tears. I love you dad. I miss you with every fiber of my being

I just wanted to thank you, you smiled at me once in math's, you had no reason to other than to be kind. We were 14 and you were popular and i was a quiet kid. I didn't go home to smiles i went home to violence. I hadn't seen a sincere smile in such a long time that when you smiled at me it shocked me. I'm 32 now and your kind act has stuck with me and will stick with me forever. It may have meant nothing to you but meant the world to me and id like to say thank you.

5am floods in through my window, bringing with it another day. I avoid my tablets just a little longer because I'm not ready to go back to that place, where my rational mind is gone and all that's left is the raw experiences of the past crushing me while I sleep. For just once, I wish I could rest without experiencing anything. A state where I'm not afraid or hurting anymore. A state where my mind rests like others do. Where I'm not running or chasing or fighting or lost. A place where I can recover my energy. I just want a rest that feels like a rest 😪